Have you two had sex?——NO, she's a little bit older than me. (直男上来笑死人)
Some people run away by standing at the same place for too long. 有些人逃跑的方式就是滞留不前。
Maybe some part of me wants to get caught. 或许我就是想被逮个正着。
Do you worry about people don’t like you? No, I’m worried that they don’t think about me at all. (attention famine)
I have the feeling that you might be the death of me. (难道这就是宿命感？...)
There is a reason you’re keeping her around, it’s not so much who she is, but what she gives you, because love is most comforting when it’s felt one way. (单方向的爱向来是最简单、最舒心的)
I’m a comedian when there is someone laugh, perform artist when not. (Man...)
Did it all happen because I was giving off some vibe I wasn’t aware of? (受害之后一定不要从自己身上找原因，不要)
I would put myself in fucked-up situations where I’d almost risk being raped again in this attempt to understand the first time. Like if I’m passed around like a whore, then I might at least shed this idea that my body isn’t part of me somehow. Like who cares if it happened before? It’s happened a ton of times now so what does it matter? But it mattered. It mattered because this is what he wanted. This is what he saw me all along. Then a feeling so bitter I could almost catch it in my throat. That he’d been vindicated somehow. (我把自己置于再次被强奸的危险境地，试图理解第一次的遭遇。想着如果我像个男妓一样被人随意使用，或许就可以摆脱这种想法——我的身体在某种程度上不是我的——管它以前发生过什么呢？现在同样的事已经发生过很多次了，所以有什么关系呢？但这很有关系，因为这就是他想要的，这就是他一直以来对我的看法。然后，一种苦涩的感觉涌上我的喉咙——他被我平反了。)——好伤心，好伤心。
But with every handhold or lingering stare came a crushing sense of anger and shame that I was falling in love with her, that I couldn’t hide in anonymity anymore, and perhaps most bitter of all, that I might not feel this way if he hadn’t done what he did. (但是，每一次牵手和凝视都会让我感到愤怒和羞愧——我爱上了她，那意味着我不能再隐藏躲闪。也许最痛苦的是，如果他没有强奸我，我可能就不会对她有这种感觉。)
I think you love it. I think it fits perfectly having her in your life, seeing you as the thing you try so hard to be. (不要找therapist做朋友or对象????)
Fame encompasses judgement. (fame justifies either good or bad...)
Being raped made me a sticking plaster for all of life’s weirdos. This open wound for them to sniffer. (宝宝......????)
I see why I cannot love her. It’s because I love one thing in this world more than I did her. That one thing was...HATING MYSELF. That’s why I messed it up with her. Because I hated myself so much more than I loved her. And I loved her so very much. (老生常谈，爱人先爱己)
And there is nothing like your life going so visibly well to let your sexual abuser know, fuck you. You failed to break me. (head up to the devil, no matter how painful it is.)
WISH US ALL SAFE AND WELL.
