Have you two had sex?——NO, she's a little bit older than me. (直男上來笑死人)
Some people run away by standing at the same place for too long. 有些人逃跑的方式就是滞留不前。
Maybe some part of me wants to get caught. 或許我就是想被逮個正着。
Do you worry about people don’t like you? No, I’m worried that they don’t think about me at all. (attention famine)
I have the feeling that you might be the death of me. (難道這就是宿命感？...)
There is a reason you’re keeping her around, it’s not so much who she is, but what she gives you, because love is most comforting when it’s felt one way. (單方向的愛向來是最簡單、最舒心的)
I’m a comedian when there is someone laugh, perform artist when not. (Man...)
Did it all happen because I was giving off some vibe I wasn’t aware of? (受害之後一定不要從自己身上找原因，不要)
I would put myself in fucked-up situations where I’d almost risk being raped again in this attempt to understand the first time. Like if I’m passed around like a whore, then I might at least shed this idea that my body isn’t part of me somehow. Like who cares if it happened before? It’s happened a ton of times now so what does it matter? But it mattered. It mattered because this is what he wanted. This is what he saw me all along. Then a feeling so bitter I could almost catch it in my throat. That he’d been vindicated somehow. (我把自己置于再次被強奸的危險境地，試圖理解第一次的遭遇。想着如果我像個男妓一樣被人随意使用，或許就可以擺脫這種想法——我的身體在某種程度上不是我的——管它以前發生過什麼呢？現在同樣的事已經發生過很多次了，所以有什麼關系呢？但這很有關系，因為這就是他想要的，這就是他一直以來對我的看法。然後，一種苦澀的感覺湧上我的喉嚨——他被我平反了。)——好傷心，好傷心。
But with every handhold or lingering stare came a crushing sense of anger and shame that I was falling in love with her, that I couldn’t hide in anonymity anymore, and perhaps most bitter of all, that I might not feel this way if he hadn’t done what he did. (但是，每一次牽手和凝視都會讓我感到憤怒和羞愧——我愛上了她，那意味着我不能再隐藏躲閃。也許最痛苦的是，如果他沒有強奸我，我可能就不會對她有這種感覺。)
I think you love it. I think it fits perfectly having her in your life, seeing you as the thing you try so hard to be. (不要找therapist做朋友or對象????)
Fame encompasses judgement. (fame justifies either good or bad...)
Being raped made me a sticking plaster for all of life’s weirdos. This open wound for them to sniffer. (寶寶......????)
I see why I cannot love her. It’s because I love one thing in this world more than I did her. That one thing was...HATING MYSELF. That’s why I messed it up with her. Because I hated myself so much more than I loved her. And I loved her so very much. (老生常談，愛人先愛己)
And there is nothing like your life going so visibly well to let your sexual abuser know, fuck you. You failed to break me. (head up to the devil, no matter how painful it is.)
WISH US ALL SAFE AND WELL.
